Start Shouting

A four month anniversary… that feels as if it could be double that.

Time is funny that way.

I want to move off campus!!! I’m itching to sign a lease. I’m itching for something new.

Traveling to Denmark, and then Belize, and then Italy in the next three months isn’t new enough for me, I guess. Apparently I need to move about ten minutes down the road for senior year to feel any TRUE change in my life.

I’m floating back and forth between who I want to be and… who I want to be. I have many passions, talents, and interests. There just isn’t enough time to pursue them all at once. After school and work, there is only a small chunk of time (and my energy) that I have to devote to my interests. So I pick and choose. But I can’t help feeling that I’m never choosing exactly the right path for myself.

I’ve never really felt like this before. Usually I am very confident in my own ability to make decisions, but lately I just feel in a daze. Nothing is quite working out the way I want it to. I can see my future self, who I want to grow to become, but only barely.. it’s hazy. So I continue to doubt myself.

Also, I can see my life going in so many different directions, with me being happy in any number of situations. It’s not like I’m on some one way road with a definitive end in sight. Which makes it even harder for me to make decisions.

I’m not overly upset, but I’m not overjoyed with the way things are going, either.

So I’m stuck here, waiting to see what happens. I wish I could make a decisive intervention, and make a huge change for the better. But I’m not yet sure what that is.

So I continue to float…

I love how all I’ve had to eat today is a large cup of blueberry coffee and some gummi worms.

Mm..so, so healthy.

I read a lot of blogs. Most of the authors are quite a bit older than I am. 

I like that. I used to think that when you got to a certain point in your life, you just suddenly GREW UP. You had life, love, and taxes all figured out.

But reading these blogs? Has taught me that people definitely DO NOT have their lives figured out. Sometimes, it’s quite the opposite. They’re learning new things about themselves everyday. So am I. Everyone is.

I never want to stop learning about myself.

Place: Kitchen table

Eating/Drinking: Nothing

Music: Matt Nathanson

Feeling: Uncomfortably numb

I have to wait a year now before I go to London. I was supposed to be leaving in August. This is extremely depressing and also means I am stuck here for another 12 months. If I ever gain some objective perspective, I’ll be able to realize that it’s not that bad. But for now, it feels like a death sentence. I don’t feel like I have much left here.

Ummm…..now what?

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles.”

-Jack Kerouac 

Back to the daily grind

Today is my first full day back at school. Classes do not start until tomorrow, so I have some time to myself before the madness starts up again. Also, my roommate seems to have disappeared since I got back, which is a nice change. 

I plan on spending the day in my pajamas, watching as many episodes of Lost as I can get through. I’ve been meaning to start watching it for awhile now, and today seems like a good day to spend laying in bed under the covers watching tv.

I was not placed on the schedule at work this week, which I am going to consider a good thing. I can get settled into a nice little routine first.

Which reminds me, I need to figure out where I’m signing up for yoga classes before everywhere in town gets filled up.